1-Feel Your Emotions

Acknowledge and Embrace Your Feelings

Like a storm, emotions during and post-toxic love can rage and weep within us. Anger, sorrow, disbelief, confusion, disappointment, regret, blame rise and fall within us – Although they are not happy, uplifting feelings, they are all part of your healing. When they show up, let them flow, and like a river that has overrun its banks, let it wash over you.

I remember in the dark days of dysfunction, I was always running the other way when these feelings got pushed to the forefront. Once the breakup actually happened, I thought that if I did not have to deal with them, then the memories of those days would slink away. But as much as I run, I could not escape. Eventually, I too had to stop running and deal with all the sad empotions that made up the reality of my situation.

This is your grief, your fire – own it. You can use it as your secret weapon to change, knowing that you never again want to find yourself in a situation like this again.

Give Yourself the Space to Heal

Healing, like a delicate flower, needs time to bloom. Pressing down these emotions, or attempting to rush past them, only delay your spring. In this garden of recovery, be the patient gardener. Nurture yourself with tenderness while you continue to look at all the negative emotions you have accumulated. And slowly let them drop to the wayside.

What every you do, don't let your friends and family tell you it's time to get over it. Our sores heal at different rates. Acknowledge and honor your pain.

2-No-Contact Rule: Stay Strong

Maintain Strict No-Contact

One of the most difficult steps in a breakup is knowing where to draw new boundaries. In my case, it was easier than most women, in that I had little reason to contact him or deal with him.

A complete break was easier since there were no children, property, bank account, or "stuff" to negotiate or fight about. As much as I attempted to be amicable, it became painfully obvious that when we tried to communicate, we quickly ended up with the same toxic dynamic we were accustomed to. He needed to be right, and I needed to have my say. Neither of us was listening.

Leaving is the first step, but the true challenge is not looking back. Your past whispers temptations of a comfort zone that you are accustomed to. But remember, those whispers are echoes of a toxic song. Be steadfast in your distance. Get some space between your new reality and your old defaults. Create distance, for your peace is on the line.

Seek Support to Stay Accountable

The journey can be a lonely road. In times when resolve wavers, lean on friends, family, or therapists. Even better, pick up a new hobby that you can dive into. For me, that was learning a new language and going back to the guitar that I left collecting dust in the corner of the room for years.

Focus on the little things that bring you joy. Make them your anchors, holding you firm when the tides of old habits threaten to pull you back in.

3- Closure Comes From Within

Shift Focus to Self-Healing

Closure is a gift you give yourself. It’s not found in the words or apologies from those who hurt us. It’s in the inner sanctuary where you heal your own heart.

Embrace Self-Reflection

Self-reflection and personal accountability are the lanterns in the dark, guiding you through the mists of your shattered heart.

Write, ponder, and explore the layers of why you gave up your power, in the first place. Acknowledge the impact it had on your bleeding soul. This is where true closure and understanding blossom.

It is your work to determine how and why you contributed to your toxic past. This clarity will prevent you from repeating the same mistakes. It will give you the tools to recognize toxicity when it shows up, in the form of a beautiful smile, charming words, and the body of Adonis, when you see it coming from a mile!

4. Build a Support System

Surround Yourself With Positivity

In the aftermath, seek the warmth of positive people. Be forewarned That friends that used to be your inner circle, may no longer want to be your friends. This is the same for family members.

Here is the thing...people do not always support the "new" you. They are used to the "old" you and may find your change hard to connect with. Do not worry though. This is the universe's way of emptying your basket to make room for a new set of relationships.

Friends, family, and support groups like PumPumPower FB groups are built for women, by women who can understand your journey – they are the stars in your night sky, guiding you through the darkness with their comforting light.

Seek Professional Help

Sometimes, the wounds are deep, and the path unclear. Here, therapists, counselors, and those who understand the heart and mind can be invaluable.

They help chart the course through troubled waters and nurture you with some perspective. You may be tempted to do this alone. But doing so may prolong your healing. Professional help may provide you with the answers that eluded you up to this point. Professionals who are not so close to the problem can often see things that you have not thought about.

5-Share Your Experience

Open-Up to Trusted Individuals

There is a cathartic power in sharing your story. It is a release, a letting go, a declaration that you are more than your pain. Find those ears that listen, and hearts that understand, and let your story flow.

You don't have to navigate these rough waters alone. Team up with veterans who survived these treacherous waters before. If nothing else, act as a guide to those women who are still left in the trenches covered in the mud of toxicity. Let them know that being free, as difficult as the path may seem, is a choice!

Consider Group Therapy

In group therapy, there's solace in knowing you are not alone. Your stories, woven together, create a tapestry of shared strength and understanding. Here, find your tribe, and your fellow travelers on the road to healing.

6-Rediscover Your True Self

Prioritize Self-Discovery

Toxic love often strips us of our essence. Oftentimes, to exist in a toxic relationship, you have to give up parts of yourself just to avoid the conflict. Examine those parts of yourself that were pushed out, and invite them to express themselves again.

Rediscovery is like the phoenix rising from the ashes – it is a rebirth of your passions, desires, and dreams. Embrace this journey of rediscovery; it is the road back to yourself.

Explore Your Interests

Engage in the dance of life – paint, sing, write, run, travel, explore. Let your spirit explore dreams that you have laid on the side. You may find pieces of yourself lost and long forgotten.

7-Embrace Self-Care

Prioritize Your Well-Being

The scars left by toxic love are not just emotional but often physical. Now is the time to wrap yourself in the cocoon of self-care. Let self-care be your sanctuary, your place of healing and rebirth. Let it become a mandatory, non-negotiable part of your day-to-day.

Nurture Your Body and Mind

Self-care can be any activity – yoga, meditation, healthy eating, long walks. Each piece adds to the whole, creating a picture of health, peace, and rejuvenation.

8-Practice Self-Kindness

Replace Self-Judgment with Compassion

Be gentle with yourself. The path is strewn with stones of self-doubt and judgment. Lift them and replace them with flowers of self-compassion. Be your own best friend, your own healer. I remember for a long time if I was not bashing him in my mind, I was bashing myself for not seeing or acknowledging what he was actually doing. Once I started to be gentle with myself, I found the room to be ok with all my mistakes.

Affirmations and Positive Self-Talk

Speak to yourself with love. Let your words be soft whispers of encouragement, affirming your worth, your strength, and your right to happiness. After living in toxicity, it is easier to feel rage and regret and beat up on yourself.

This was one of the hardest practices for me. But eventually, I started to soften the self-inflicted wounds by referring to myself as my pet name. The name my mother used to call me when I was young. By consciously referring to myself in the voice of a person who showed me love, I was able to switch the way I think about myself.

9-Recognize Your Resilience

Shift Your Perspective

You are not what happened to you. You are the strength that grew from it. See yourself as the warrior, the survivor. You have walked through fire and emerged stronger. Congratulate yourself often for taking that leap.

Celebrate Your Resilience

Look in the mirror and see the strength in your eyes, the curve of a smile born from overcoming. You are a celebration of resilience, a testament to the indomitable spirit of the strength of a woman. You are a "Woman of Power"

10-Avoid Self-Blame

Release Guilt and Self-Blame

The blame was never yours to carry. The weight of their actions is not your burden. Set it down. Walk away. Your path is one of forgiveness and understanding, especially towards yourself.

Focus on Self-Forgiveness

In forgiving yourself, you free yourself. Understand that we all walk paths of learning and growth. Mistakes are not chains; they are the steps on the ladder to wisdom.

11-Take Note of Boundaries

Establish Healthy Boundaries

Post-toxic love, boundaries are your shield, your protector. Learn from the past to build fences that guard your heart, yet let in the sunlight of healthy relationships.

Consult a Relationship Coach

Sometimes, we need a guide, a voice to help us understand where our boundaries should lie. A relationship coach can be that voice, helping to map out the territories of your heart.

12-Be Patient

Embrace the Non-Linear Journey

Healing is not a straight road. It’s a path with turns and bends, hills and valleys. It is uncertainty, it is painful, it is long. At least it may feel like it. Embrace its unpredictability, and with each step, know you’re moving forward.

Self-Compassion in Difficult Times

In moments of despair, wrap yourself in self-compassion. Remember, this is a journey, and every journey has its moments of rest and reflection.

13-Focus on the Present

Embrace the Non-Linear Journey

The present is your anchor. In being mindful, you put distance between you and the storms of the past and the uncertainties of the future. You find peace in the now.

Embrace Mindfulness

Every moment is a choice and presents an opportunity – a choice to care for yourself, to listen to your needs, and to be kind to your heart. Make the choice that honors you. It also presents an opportunity for you to be present. In other words, don't spend too much time wandering around in the past, or the future. Stay present. This is where your answers lie. This is the only point where you can change outcomes.

14. Reclaiming Your Narrative

Rewriting Your Story

Understand that the end of a toxic relationship offers you a blank page to rewrite your story. Reflect on your experiences, not with bitterness, but as chapters that have shaped you. Now, you hold the pen to author your next chapters with resilience and hope.

Embracing Empowerment Through Storytelling

Share your journey, not just as a tale of survival, but as a testament to your strength. Whether through journaling, blogging, or even speaking, each word you write or speak is a step towards reclaiming your narrative and empowering yourself.

Join our PumPumPower Community to be able to find support from Women who are either still on that journey or have navigated a way out and continue to need support.

15. Cultivating a Positive Environment

Creating a Sanctuary

Transform your living space into a sanctuary that reflects your new beginning. This can be as simple as decluttering, rearranging, or introducing elements that bring you peace and joy. Or, simply throwing away the things he left behind. Your environment can significantly influence your mental and emotional recovery.

Choosing Positive Influences

Be mindful of the media, music, and literature you consume. Surround yourself with positivity that uplifts and motivates you.

Choose films, books, and music that resonate with themes of empowerment, hope, and joy. And get rid of the friends and even family who do not support your new growth. Often, it is the people who are close to us who are unwilling and uncomfortable with the new version of you. They are driven by the familiar version of you. But that version no longer lives in you.

16. Exploring New Horizons

Trying New Activities

Engage in new hobbies or activities you have always wanted to explore. This could be anything from painting, hiking, learning a new instrument, or even traveling. New experiences can offer fresh perspectives and invigorate your spirit.

Expanding Social Circles

Consider joining clubs, classes, or groups aligned with your interests. Meeting new people and forming new friendships can open avenues of support and joy that were previously untapped. These new connections can also provide opportunities for learning and growth.

17. Stay off the ledge

Monitor What You Are Thinking

After a toxic past, it is easy to keep obsessing over what he did, what he did not do, what you did, and what you should have done. You know, all the things that you cannot change. Since you cannot change any of it, stay away from obsessing over it.

Learn to Refocus

Anytime

As you find yourself out on the ledge, or going down the rabbit hole back to the drama, become aware of how often you want to revisit your past. The minute you become aware that you are in it, gently thank the thought for visiting. Tell it that you know that it is only trying to protect you. But you do not need its help at this moment. The more you consciously check your thinking and snap out of it, the easier it becomes not to think of the past.

Summary

In summary, let's look at the healing journey, as summarized in the National Library of Medicine. "Analyses revealed that healing was not an isolated event that happened at a particular point in time. Rather, healing typically takes place in fits and starts, over an extended period of time. This process was not linear and not predictable. The path to healing was different for each person."

Give yourself permission to heal on your own time. But do not stay stranded in the past indefinitely. If you practice even a few of the 17 Tips to Recovery, you'll be well on your way to building anew from the rubble of the past.